tonight at soccer practice…(four words that do not, on their own, invoke joy in my heart)…i experienced joy that i haven’t felt since holding my newborn babies.
when rowan was born, kenny and i couldn’t take our eyes off of him. he looked just like kenny – every hospital visitor told us so. we would sit and stare, watch his breathing in and out, comment on every sound he would make and surmise at every whimper: gas? hunger? wet diaper?
i remember feeding him in the quiet of our nursery once we were home, and having an overwhelming feeling of joy. i wasn’t necessarily happy at the moment: i was exhausted and sore and a wee bit scared. but i remember feeling joy. this little tiny newborn, who i had been getting to know since feeling him kick inside of me, sat nursing, completely content and happy with no reason to be happy except that his needs were met. he was warm, clean, and his hunger satiated. because of me. joy doesn’t have to be felt only in the presence of happiness: in that particular moment, i felt joy in the midst of exhaustion and pain.
so tonight, i watched three separate soccer practices sitting in a not-so-comfortable folding chair on a windy field in 43 degrees for nearly two hours. if you know me, you know that being cold is pretty much torture for me. but i was sitting in that chair, exactly where i needed to be, and i was joyful watching our three boys growing into their soccer abilities, having a great time with these somewhat strangers. the boys aren’t the best players on their teams, but for the first time in our six years of playing fall and spring soccer, they are in the better half of their team. they have confidence in their dribbling and fast breaks, and they’re not timid around the ball or the opposing players. and they’re loving every minute of it. when you’re a parent, it almost doesn’t get any better than watching your child when they’re experiencing their own joy.